


Watching, from the sidelines

by nolangerardfuck



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, NewS (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-15
Updated: 2014-01-15
Packaged: 2018-01-08 20:14:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1136893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nolangerardfuck/pseuds/nolangerardfuck
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yamapi watches Tegoshi smiling at countdown without him</p>
            </blockquote>





	Watching, from the sidelines

You watch. You watch the four of them from the sideline as the New Year rolls by, and you feel your chest swell with something strange. You can’t quite put your finger on it, you think it feels like pride, tinged with longing and so much more. They stand so close, dependant on each other, one not smiling without the other. You used to be there too, their leader, their rock.The staff passing by give you strange looks ( _why is Yamashita-san just standing there?)_ but you can’t tear your eyes away.

You think, _he still looks so beautiful._ And he does. You can see the envious stares raining upon him, can’t hear the whispers but you know what they’re saying ( _Tegoshi-kun is amazing, isn’t he?)._ It’s been ten years since he was the ugly duckling, hidden in the shadow of the great Yamashita Tomohisa ( _who’s that kid? Oh, he’s in Yamapi’s group, nothing special)._ You feel like the roles have been reversed, somehow. He wasn’t clinging to you, a child in need of reassurance any longer.

You remember him getting angry when you had said that once, his angry yell of “ _I need reassurance because I love you. You keep making me fall in love with you”_ ending in a resigned whisper. You never replied properly, and your silence had been all the answer he needed. You could still feel his eyes on your back as you made the announcement, _I’m leaving,_ a barely a week later. Later he left you a voicemail, whispers of _how could you do this to us_ punctuates with soft sobs. You couldn’t sleep properly for weeks, after that.

You’re glad he’s smiling again. His smile had always been different. Not the seductive, idol smile he wore to hide himself away, but the awkward, shy smile you’re seeing now. Your chest is swelling with swirling emotions, but you can’t creep up behind him and hug him like you used to, feel his heart beat rapidly against your own. Those were memories, falling away from you every second even as you clung to them.

You thought you had broken him. Tegoshi’s eyes looked heartbroken, they reminded you of your sister’s after your father walked out, Jin’s after you told him you couldn’t love him like _that_. You’re good at doing that, you think, breaking things. Beautiful things wither away as you touch them; you break beautiful people you care about. You can’t do anything except stare silently as you lose them. Tegoshi Yuya is too strong to break, though. You smile faintly as your eyes follow him, his eyes crinkling at the edges as he beams. He’s so beautiful, he deserves better than you. You never wanted him to cry; you never want to take these moments away from him, you think. He deserves everything. He’s not smiling for you, but that’s okay. You’re okay with watching him bloom, from the sidelines.

Ryo talks to you about him sometimes, but you try to tune it out. It hurts too much when you’re drunk and vulnerable, you think of his smile and it makes you ache. You always scold yourself afterwards, _you can’t miss him, this is the result of your own actions. You’re not supposed to miss him._ You cheat, though, you always cheat. You sit in your room, drunk and lonely, listening to the voicemail of him crying, until you fall asleep.

You just want him to smile. It’s your turn, the staff is gesturing to you again, and you have to snap out of it. You tear your eyes away from your group (you never stopped calling them your group, _maybe denial will make it less real)_ and put on your best idol face. This is what you wanted, you tell yourself. The words taste bitter and fake on your tongue. 


End file.
